Counsellors should not underestimate the impact of problem gambling on the family, and the importance of family and community in treatment. Gambling treatment services should include family members as clients, whether or not the person with the gambling problem attends.
Family members are often more severely affected than the gambler by the financial stresses and resultant insecurity and loss. Spouses typically feel enraged, helpless, depressed and deeply fearful of the future. They may be desperately worried about meeting the needs of dependent children, humiliated by debts to other family members, harassed by creditors and a sense that all responsibilities are on their shoulders, and struggling with the loss of expectations for the future and with loss of the spousal relationship they thought they had. They are often isolated from supports because they feel they must keep “family business” within the family. Depending on the extent to which the gambling has been hidden, spouses may be coping with sudden and devastating losses of homes and security. The person who gambles, in his or her attempts to conceal the gambling, may over time have projected blame onto the spouse, damaging the relationship and the spouse’s self-esteem. The effect of lying on trust in the relationship is insidious and extremely damaging.
In initial meetings, spouses need to have their feelings validated, and to be reassured that their reactions are a normal response to abnormal circumstances. They need to examine and process past hurts. Most need very much to have an honest conversation with their spouse, and to hear at least that the person regrets what he or she has done. They need to get onto firmer ground by learning all the facts, however upsetting. Any further concealment is very frightening, and will prevent real recovery in the relationship.
The person with the gambling problem, meanwhile, is struggling to overcome shame, loss of respect, and long habits of avoidance and concealment. A long process is sometimes needed before the person is ready to reveal everything. Some people, particularly characteristic optimists, prefer to think in the short-term, and do not understand their spouse’s need to process the past. If they have stopped gambling recently, they may see this as a sufficient answer to all the spouse’s concerns. Such a person often needs some initial time and space to address immediate practical problems, increase his or her sense of self-efficacy, and reduce stress. The spouse’s strong emotions are often more than the client can handle without becoming defensive and inflicting more pain.
Clearly the needs of the couple tend to clash. The counsellor’s role is to validate both sets of needs and to help the couple reach agreements so that at least some needs of each person can be met. One useful technique is for the couple to process the past for a specified period each week, perhaps in the counsellor’s office, and to agree that those issues will not be mentioned outside that time. The couple can also work to support each other’s needs. For example, the person with a gambling problem can help ease the spouse’s anxiety by being open about financial matters, while the spouse helps by joining their partner in relaxing leisure activities; or the client takes on more family responsibilities and the spouse offers positive feedback when these responsibilities are handled well.
A central issue in families is the distortion of roles: gamblers often act as and are treated as difficult adolescents, and spouses take on corresponding parental roles. The counsellor needs to address these imbalances and to help restore adult-to-adult communication between the couple. Communication skills training can be a helpful technique in this regard.
Other family members are also gravely affected by problem gambling. Elderly parents may lose their home in trying to rescue their children; young children may suffer stress, dislocation or neglect; and adults may worry about their parents’ ability to remain independent, or may watch their siblings’ lives and families deteriorate. All these people need help in meeting their unique needs. Adult family members need to decide what they can and cannot control, and what they can and cannot handle from the person with the gambling problem. They need to learn to respect their own needs and look after themselves and their children, rather than centring their lives on the gambling.
The issue of bailouts comes up frequently. A real concern is that bailing out the person may allow him or her to continue gambling. However, it is not always realistic for the family to withhold all financial aid; in some cultures it is close to impossible. Counsellors need to work with each family to find out what actions they can live with. Some choose to help, but without letting the money go through the gambler’s hands. Some insist the person gets treatment before they will help. Others offer help only to the person’s spouse and children.
Sometimes reframing will help the family pull back and allow the person to face the consequences of his or her actions. For example, the counsellor may suggest that a good mother’s job is not only to support her children, but also to let them learn from their mistakes so they will grow up strong and independent.
There are some good self-help manuals for family members of those with gambling problems, including Behind the 8-Ball: A Guide for Families of Gamblers (Berman & Siegel, 1992) and Don’t Leave It to Chance: A Guide for Families of Problem Gamblers (Federman et al., 2000). As discussed earlier, some family members also benefit from the support of others like themselves at Gam-Anon meetings. Counselling services often hold groups for family members.
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