Saying Goodbye to Niagara Falls
(Submitted August 18, 2009)
On one side of me, I see one of the seven wonders of the world; Niagara Falls. Water falling so freely that you can’t help but appreciate its sights and sounds. Directly across, is one of my seven wonders of the world: CASINO NIAGARA. From the Falls, you could see the tower like structure with the words CASINO staring at you in bright red letters. Standing there my eyes shifted from the water to the tower. It was like watching a tennis match. My eyes went from the water to the sign and then back again. One side served natural beauty, while the other side served temptation.
As I stood there, I realized how similar these two very different sites were. The water had the power to sweep you away in an instant--that building possessed the same powers over me.
Standing next to me, tourist kids spoke of the fear of falling in, I stared at that CASINO sign and feared going in. Excitement on the faces of those seeing this wonder of the world for the first time, my heart racing, excited that hopefully, I would see this place for the last time. I decided that this would be the formal good-bye to a place and life I once called home.
Feeling that my good-bye deserved the time and privacy we both needed, I walked away from the falls and towards the Casino. I had this need to be physically closer than I was and, at the same time, keep a safe distance between us. I sat in the parking lot of a motel located across from the Casino entrance. I needed to see the entrance. I somehow felt that whatever it was I was going to say needed an open door. This was my way of being heard. I sat there mentally preparing my words. The words weren’t coming and I began to feel a little frustrated. This moment was three years in the making and I couldn’t find the words to say good-bye.
Putting two solid years of therapy into use, I took a few deep breaths and decided that if I couldn’t find the words, I’d let my emotions guide me. I closed my eyes and waited. I waited for the pangs of anger, fear and sadness that would surely come. After all, I was ending a long term relationship with something that, at one point, meant everything to me. I could feel the tears swelling up inside of me, but they were not tears of anger, fear or sadness. These tears came in peace. God had granted me the serenity that I prayed for and the wisdom to finally understand that this had to be over. When I opened my eyes, I watched as people entered and exited the Casino. That’s when I felt sadness. Not for me, but for those who are in that place feeling what I once felt. I waited for the doors to open again and then the words came to me; “Thank You God!”