How Can I Get the Person to Stop Gambling?

Unfortunately, you can’t. People decide themselves whether or not to gamble. The person must be motivated to change. If you threaten, bribe or punish the person, it can do more harm than good.

This lack of control can be frustrating for families. But you can still play an important role in encouraging change. Most people with gambling problems get help because gambling is hurting their family. Tell the person how his or her gambling affects you, and try to make some positive changes in your own life. This can help the person see that he or she can change too.

You may feel deeply angry or hurt. This can make it hard to support the person who has caused you so much pain. Not all families can get over this problem. Counselling can help you sort through your own thoughts and feelings, and look at your options. This can be an important step in helping the family heal (see Chapter 5).

How families can help the person change

Each family is different and has its own ideas of what will help the person change. Here are some ideas that have helped many families. They can help you support the person with a gambling problem, and help you restore a healthy balance within the family. With the help of a counsellor, you can learn to:

• understand the stages of change and work with them
• tell the person how his or her gambling affects you and the family. (But remember, yelling has probably not helped in the past, so do this when you are not angry. It is important to stay calm when you talk.)
• do not make excuses for the person, and do not protect the person from his or her own actions
• take proper care of yourself and get your life back in balance
• get your finances back in order
• restore trust
• get help.

The Stages of Change*
* Adapted from Makarchuk, K. & Hodgins, D. (1998). Helping Yourself: A Self-help Manual for Concerned Significant Others and Problem Gamblers. Calgary: Addictive Behaviours Laboratory, University of Calgary; and Prochaska, J., Norcross, J. & Diclemente, C. (1994). Changing for Good. New York: William Morrow.

People with addiction problems, such as gambling, go through similar stages in accepting the need to change. A person who gambles excessively may move back and forth in deciding to change. You can have more influence if you match your support to these stages of change.(This can be difficult and may take some practice. Many people also find that they need the support of a counsellor.)

Stage 1: The person is not interested in changing

At first, the person doesn’t see a problem and will not consider counselling. He or she denies or explains away gambling problems. The person may blame others or think the only problem is a lack of money.

You can:

• tell the person how gambling affects them
• change activities that support gambling
• not help the person who is gambling avoid responsibility for his or her actions
• make sure the family’s money is protected. A legal advisor, financial advisor or gambling counsellor can help direct you.
• learn about problem gambling and share the information with the person with gambling problems
• get support for yourself and begin to get your family life back in balance
• avoid arguing—it won’t help.

Stage 2: The person is unsure about changing

The person begins to see that gambling has drawbacks. But he or she will not yet give it up. The person will think about change for some time before taking action. He or she may:

• set a date for change
• be more willing to talk about problems
• be more open to your help.

The person may be more willing to deal with the problem after a major crisis. This may be a big gambling loss, a suicide attempt or being fired because of gambling.

• You can:
• not gamble with the person
• find out how the person can get help
• pass on the information in this guide and encourage the person to get help
• offer to go with the person to counselling
• share what you have learned about problem gambling and how it has helped you
• praise the person for wanting to change
• avoid situations that may trigger gambling
• get emotional support for yourself
• set clear limits and tell the person what you will do if he or she keeps gambling.

Stage 3: The person is preparing for change

The person may begin to take small steps to change his or her gambling, such as setting time and money limits. He or she may talk about making bigger changes soon. The person may be more willing to talk about the risks and rewards of gambling when he or she is taking a break from it.

You can:

• support the person’s changes and encourage him or her to get help from a problem gambling counsellor
• suggest that a trusted person manage his or her money
• limit the person’s access to money. This will remove a major gambling trigger. (Triggers are things that make you want to gamble.)
• suggest other activities to replace gambling.

Stage 4: The person is taking action

The person has reduced or completely stopped gambling. He or she is really working on the problem.

As people try to change, they may slip back. They can usually get over these relapses, and even learn from them.

You can:

• support the person as he or she replaces gambling with new activities
• support the person in his or her counselling
• consider couples or family counselling to improve communication and trust
• keep dealing with money problems
• keep focusing on your own needs and on getting family life back in balance (see Getting your life back in balance below)
• accept that the person may slip back into gambling.

Stage 5: The person is maintaining control

The person has stopped gambling for at least six months and is working to hold onto this success. As we said above, many people fall back into problem gambling. These relapses can feel devastating to the person with gambling problems, and to family members. But a relapse can also help the person understand the problem better. In the end, it can strengthen his or her decision to change.

You can:

• keep supporting changes that bring more balance to family life
• try to improve family communication
• keep working to get the family’s money under control
• help the person identify and avoid gambling triggers
• reward efforts at change in both your loved one and yourself
• accept that the person may have relapses.

Dealing with relapses

Remember, a gambling problem may get worse before it gets better. Some people with gambling problems find it very hard to get their gambling under control or stop. If the person has a big win while trying to change, the problem can seem less urgent. Some people stop gambling, but replace it with drinking or taking other drugs. This behaviour usually settles down as the person learns to enjoy life without gambling.

Some families find it hard to believe that counselling will help during this difficult stage. However, for most people, it does help.

Communicating Clearly

It is important to tell the person how his or her behaviour affects the family. People with gambling problems often enter counselling because family members encourage them. You may want to seek the help of a counsellor yourself before trying to do this.

Communication tips for families*
* Adapted from Addictions Services Kenora problem gambling materials.

• Focus on the specific ways that gambling affects you. Be direct and use “I” statements to share facts and feelings. For example:
  “I feel hurt when you don’t come home at the time you said.”
  “I’m angry when we don’t have money to pay our bills because of your gambling.”
  “I’m frightened by your gambling debts.”
• Stay calm. Try not to blame, lecture or moralize. It doesn’t help. Let the person know you are getting information and support for yourself.
• Avoid threats—but do let the person know what you will do if he or she keeps gambling. Be prepared to follow through. The person may have heard you make threats before, and may not believe you will act.
• Provide helpful information. Offer to support the person in getting help. Learn about problem gambling counselling services, and give the person resources such as self-help information, books and videos.
• Be patient. Change may take time. Don’t expect the person to admit to the problem, or to accept that he or she needs help, right away. Keep planting the seeds of change. Tell the person that taking action will lead to less family conflict and stress.
• Watch for depression and suicidal thoughts in the person who gambles, yourself and other family members.

Helping the Person Take Responsibility for Behaviour and Decisions

People are more likely to deal with their gambling problems when they really feel the hurt their gambling is causing. Of course, your help and support are important to the person with a gambling problem. But it is still the person’s own responsibility to fix the problem. Only he or she can decide to stop or reduce gambling.

The best way to help is by being supportive but firm. Tell the person that if he or she gets help, it is possible to change and gain control. Let the person know that he or she doesn’t have to be alone in dealing with this problem.

Some families feel they must pay the person’s gambling debts to protect their reputation. They may want to help other family members who have been hurt by the person’s actions. If you pay off the person’s debts, you may send the message that someone will bail the person out if he or she gets into trouble. This sometimes leads the person to start gambling again.

If you do give financial help, insist that the person gets counselling help too. If you make loans, tell the person he or she must pay them back—even if it is only a small payment each week. Many families have trouble doing this, and need help from a trusted advisor or a counsellor. Beware of giving the person money directly, because this can trigger more gambling.

Your “tough love” can help make the person face the cost of his or her gambling. For example:

• Have the person deal with his or her boss about missing work or being late.
• Insist that the person does family chores.
• Do not lie to protect the person.
• Do not make excuses for the person’s gambling.
• Do not comfort the person about gambling losses or other problems gambling has caused.
• Do not take the person to or from gambling venues.
• Do not gamble with the person.

In some cases, it may not be possible to carry out these suggestions because doing so could result in the person harming himself or herself, or becoming violent to others. If this is true for you, seek professional advice immediately before taking action.

Putting the Family’s Money in Order

Money problems may be causing stress for your family. The person with a gambling problem is responsible for helping to solve these difficulties. But if the person is willing, it is best to work on the problem together. For example, access to money or credit is often a trigger for gambling. You can help by limiting the amount of money he or she can get.

If the person is working on change, you can work together to:

• make a family budget
• carefully and openly track all family spending
• share all financial records and receipts with one another
• agree how much cash or credit the person should have, so he or she is not tempted to gamble.

Here are some more suggestions for dealing with money:

• Think carefully about your own finances before you take on the person’s debts.
• If you are lending money to pay bills, don’t give it directly to the person. This can tempt the person to slip back into gambling. Instead, pay the bills yourself.
• Offer to go with the person to problem gambling and credit counselling.
• Set up a realistic family budget so the person doesn’t feel the need to gamble to solve money problems.
• Get expert advice from a credit counsellor, bank manager or lawyer before covering bad cheques, or co-signing loans or other financial papers.
• Have a responsible and trusted person manage the person’s money in the short term.
• Plan together how to limit the person’s access to money, until his or her gambling is under control. Even if the person who gambles will not co-operate, you still have the right to protect your family’s money.

Tips for protecting your money

Here are some ways to protect the family’s money from out-of control gambling:

• Get legal advice so you know your rights and know what legal steps to take.
• Set up a separate bank account.
• Put valuable items in a safety deposit.
• Put savings in bonds that you can’t access.
• Ask the bank to cut off credit, and not to allow your home to be remortgaged.
• If your family member is willing, get a power of attorney that puts you in charge of all property decisions.
• Pay all bills yourself.
• Remove your name from shared credit cards and bank accounts.
• Cancel any overdrafts on bank accounts.
• Do not share your PIN numbers, or leave credit cards or money around.
• Throw away applications for credit cards or loans that come in the mail.
• Arrange for your wages or salary to be paid directly into your bank account.
• Warn family, friends and co-workers not to lend the person money.
• Give the person an agreed weekly allowance.

The first step is to assess your financial situation. How much money has been lost? Which debts are shared and which belong only to the person who gambles? This step can be emotionally difficult.

If you have a lot of debt, or if you are being bothered by creditors, see a credit counsellor. A credit counsellor can help you to manage your debt and set up a family budget. A legal advisor can help you sort out which debts you share (such as cosigned loans) and which you do not. Let advisors know about the gambling problems.

Getting Your Life Back in Balance

When you focus only on gambling problems, your family life gets out of balance. Returning to normal family routines is an important part of healing. Here are some ideas for the whole family to consider:

Restore healthy routines:

• Eat regular, balanced meals, even if you are not hungry.
• Make mealtime a family time.
• Exercise regularly.
• Go to bed and get up at regular times.
• Get a medical checkup, and tell your doctor about your family member’s gambling.
• Make a weekly date to have fun, and keep it.

Get support so you can feel good about yourself:

• Share your worries with trusted friends and family. Ask for support, not advice.
• Make a list of people you care about. Call a friend and go out.
• See a counsellor to help you cope and to gain confidence.
• Find a self-help group. It will allow you to get support and to support others.
• Get involved in your community, for example by volunteering.

Manage stress positively:

• Avoid alcohol and other drugs—they will make problems worse.
• Allow yourself to take a break from worrying.
• Learn to recognize your moods, and to tell people what you need from them.
• Learn ways to reduce stress, for example yoga or meditation.
• Take care of your religious or spiritual needs.
• Create a list of things you like to do. Do at least one of the items a week.

Healing Family Relationships

It is important to restore trust with family members. This may feel impossible now. Not every relationship survives a gambling problem.

But for some families, working together on problems can make relationships stronger. Couple and family counselling can help your family get back on track.

To help restore trust, you can also:

• Identify the ways in which you still trust the person.
• Encourage the person to be honest about his or her gambling urges, and accept what you hear. Reward the person’s honesty with understanding, support and help in solving problems.
• Ask the person to help ease your worries. For example, if you are afraid that he or she is gambling instead of working, ask if you can sometimes call to ease your fears.
• Encourage the person to do some family tasks. Be positive when he or she does so.
• Once a week, talk together about past hurts or about your worries for the future. Be honest about your feelings. Then for the rest of the week, take care of the present.
• Take time to have fun together, without talking about gambling problems.
• Remember that it takes time to restore trust.
• If you need more time to talk about your hurt and angry feelings, consider going to a support group or a counsellor.